Tobias Fünke : So what are your plans for this evening?
Bob Loblaw : I thought that maybe I would stay in and work on my law blog.
Tobias Fünke : Ah, yes. The "Bob Loblaw Law Blog". You, sir, are a mouthful.
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Narrator : Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own words, to see what Michael was referring to...
Tobias Fünke : [on tape]  ... even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up.
Tobias Fünke : Nothing wrong with that.
Tobias Fünke : [on tape]  Oh, I've been in the film business for a while, but I just can't seem to get one in the can.
Tobias Fünke : It's out of context.
Tobias Fünke : [on tape]  I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks.
Narrator : ...and he realized there is something distinct about the way he speaks.
Tobias Fünke : Tobias, you blowhard.
[chuckles] 
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Tobias Fünke : Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.
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Tobias Fünke : Don't leave your uncle T-Bag hanging.
George Michael Bluth : Please don't call yourself that.
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Tobias Fünke : [as Mrs. Featherbottom]  O-kay, who'd like a banger in the mouth?
[laughs] 
Tobias Fünke : Right, I forgot, here in the States, you call it a *sausage* in the mouth.
Michael : We just call it a sausage.
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Tobias Fünke : Michael, you are quite the cupid. You can stick an arrow in my buttocks any time.
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[Tobias discovers that George Sr. has been living in the attic] 
Tobias Fünke : What are you doing up here?
George Sr. : I'm having a fucking tea party, what does it look like? I live here. You tell anyone, you are DEAD.
[he shoves Tobias up against the wall with his hand against his mouth] 
George Sr. : Stop licking my hand, you horse's ass.
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Tobias Fünke : No, no, it's pronounced a-nal-ra-pist.
Buster : It wasn't really the pronunciation that bothered me.
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Transvestite Store Clerk : Are you going to actually buy something this time, or are you just curious?
Tobias Fünke : Well, let's just say that I'm buy-curious.
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[Tobias is trying to impress Maeby by buying some leather] 
Tobias Fünke : I'm looking for something that says "Dad likes leather".
Salesman : You mean... Leather Daddy?
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Tobias Fünke : [footage of Tobias trying on a Speedo with his cut-offs on]  Excuse me, do these effectively hide my thunder?
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[Tobias creating buzz around the water cooler] 
Tobias Fünke : That Funke is some kind of something. Boy, this Funke is all anybody's ever talking about. So sick and tired of hearing about how brilliant that Funke is. Overrated.
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Tobias Fünke : [while at a western-themed resort]  Michael, you are not quite the ladies man I had pictured. Hopefully, we will remedy that when we are in the spa spreading body chocolate on each other.
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Mae 'Maebe' Funke : [noticing Tobias dressed in all leather]  Didnt you get a job or something?
Tobias Fünke : No, no I didnt. Unless... you consider "World's Coolest Daddy" a job.
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Tobias Fünke : Come on, Lindsay. We've had some great times.
[a white screen appears with text reading: "Footage not found."] 
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Narrator : While on the set of Wrench, Tobias had snuck into the costume closet and disguised himself as an English nanny in an attempt to see his daughter and prove to his wife he had what it took to become a successful actor. It was the exact same plot as Mrs. Doubtfire...
Tobias Fünke : [after Lindsay answers the door]  Why, hellooo. My name is Mrs. Phlyddia Featherbottom, the agency sent me over.
Lindsay Funke : Uh... I didn't any agency.
Tobias Fünke : But I can cook and clean and even take care of the little ones. In fact, if it comes in handy... I can sing a song or two...
Narrator : And maybe a little Mary Poppins to throw in the mix...
Tobias Fünke : A squirt of frosting down the throat helps to take your medication / In the most delicious way...
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Carl Weathers : [about Burger King]  I'm going to go get a drink refill. You know you can get unlimited refills on any drink you want... and it's free?
Tobias Fünke : It's a wonderful restaurant.
Narrator : It sure is.
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Michael : [at Gob's magic show at the Gothic Castle]  Where's Tobias?
Narrator : [voiceover]  Tobias had intended to come to the magic show, but had a slight miscommunication with his cab driver.
Tobias Fünke : [Tobias is wearing a leather outfit he bought to impress Maebe]  I would like to go to the Gothic Castle.
Cab Driver : Gothic asshole?
Tobias Fünke : Yes.
[at the wrong Gothic Castle, Tobias sees two people walking out] 
Tobias Fünke : Boy, I am glad I didn't go with that outfit.
[to the bouncer] 
Tobias Fünke : I am here to see the magic.
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Tobias Fünke : I don't do nudity.
[holding up a pair of cut-off jeans] 
Tobias Fünke : Why do you think I wear these?
George Michael : I was never really clear on that.
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Tobias Fünke : Do you see me more as the respected dramatic actor or more of the beloved comic actor?
Carl Weathers : Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's still plenty of meat on that bone. Now you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato. Baby, you've got a stew going.
Tobias Fünke : Yes, that's fine, but I would like to focus on my acting, Mr. Weathers. I did give you my last $1, 100.
Carl Weathers : Let me tell you a little story about acting. I was doing this Showtime movie, Hot Ice with Anne Archer, never once touched my per diem. I'd go to Craft Service, get some raw veggies, bacon, Cup-A-Soup... baby, I got a stew going.
Tobias Fünke : [pause]  I think I'd like my money back.
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Lucille : What's a Forget-Me-Now?
Gob : They're pills that create a sort of temporary forgettingness. So if somebody finds out how you do a trick, you just give 'em one of these, and they forget the whole thing. It's a mainstay of the magician's toolkit, like how clowns always have a rag soaked in ether.
Tobias Fünke : Gob, this is Flunitrazepam. It's a roofie.
Lucille : Those are illegal.
Gob : Shut up, Mom. Don't make me give you another one of these.
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Tobias Fünke : So fill each one of these bags with some glitter, my photo resume, some candy, and a note.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke : [reading one of the notes]  "I know where you live, ha, ha." Casting directors hate this.
Narrator : They really do.
Casting Director : [shows a casting director's office]  The glitteratti has struck again.
[reading the resume] 
Casting Director : Never hire Tobias Funke.
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Tobias Fünke : [while rehearsing his "frightened inmate #2" character]  Say something that will terrify me.
Lindsay Funke : Fuck me.
Tobias Fünke : No, that didn't do it.
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Michael : [talking to Lindsay as Tobias enters]  Tobias doesn't do anything around here.
Tobias Fünke : Well excuuuuuuuse meeeee.
[Tobias looks down defeated looking] 
Tobias Fünke : Excuse me.
[walks off crying] 
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Tobias Fünke : Are you calling me a coward?
Warden Stefan Gentles : There's only one man I've ever called a coward, and that's Brian Doyle Murray. No, what I'm calling you is a television actor.
Tobias Fünke : Ouch.
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Tobias Fünke : If this were a Lifetime Moment of Truth movie, this would be our act break.
Narrator : But it wasn't.
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[Tobias is directing George Michael and Maeby in the school play] 
Tobias Fünke : Look, you are playing adults...
[Tobias falls out of his chair] 
Tobias Fünke : [to nearby student]  Pick that up. Pick that up, please.
Tobias Fünke : ...with fully formed libidos, not two young men playing grab-ass in the shower.
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Tobias Fünke : Boy, I sure feel like a Mary without a Peter and a Paul.

Tobias Fünke : I want my family back. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want to reunite the band.
Michael : Oh, no.
Narrator : Oh, no was right. In the mid '90s, Tobias formed a folk music band with Lindsay and Maebe which he called Dr. Funke's 100 Percent Natural Good Time Family Band Solution. The group was underwritten by the Natural Food Life Company, a division of Chem-Grow, an Allen Crayne acqusition, which was part of the Squimm Group. Their motto was simple: We keep you alive.
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Tobias Fünke : Good news, everyone. I bought the Queen Mary.
Gob : Really? I was just thinking of getting a yacht.
Tobias Fünke : Well, I was dancing with the owner and he was looking to sell... Also, he really, really did look like a woman... But can you believe it? The only reason he's selling it is because, supposedly, it's in a bad neighborhood?
Lindsay Funke : You idiot. I was going to use the stock money to get us into the country club.
Michael Bluth : What?
Lindsay Funke : ...It's in such a nice neighborhood.
Michael Bluth : I don't believe this. Didn't any of you read that memo?
Narrator : None of them had read past the word "unfrozen."
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[after the publicist has just told the family that Michael is the most likeable member of the family] 
Publicist : There are very few intelligent, attractive and straight men in this town.
Tobias Fünke : Well, that leaves me out.
[silence, everyone stares] 
Tobias Fünke : She did say single, right? I-I-I thought she said single.
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Lindsay Funke : I'm saying every time something starts to go well for you, you blow it.
Tobias Fünke : Nothing has ever gone well for me, and you know that.
Lindsay Funke : That's my point, you...
[sees Mabey] 
Lindsay Funke : ... handsome cowboy, you.
Tobias Fünke : Oh, great. And now you're mocking me. You selfish coun-
[Notices Mabey] 
Tobias Fünke : ... try music loving lady. Hello, Maeby.
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Michael Bluth : You know what you do? You go buy yourself a tape recorder and record yourself for a whole day. You might be surprised at some of your phrasing.
Tobias Fünke : Butterscotch. Wanna lick?
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Tobias Fünke : I just found out that my cellular telephone was a lemon. It didn't work.

[repeated line] 
Tobias Fünke : Hey, who wants to take me to the hospital?

Narrator : [as Tobias prepares himself]  Tobias had recently auditioned for a role as a member of the silent performance trio, the Blue Man Group.
Tobias Fünke : And this is "Kids", from "Bye, Bye, Birdie".
[piano cues up the song] 
Narrator : He had yet to hear back from them.
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Tobias Fünke : [background]  Uh-oh. I should not have picked at that. That's blood.

Gob : Well, I'm not the president, so I dont deserve a fancy phone.
Tobias Fünke : Well, the Blue Man Group may need me, and I *do* deserve a fancy phone.
Narrator : They didn't.
[Tobias flips his phone across the room] 
Narrator : And he doesn't.
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Tobias Fünke : [Tobias has been trying out for the Blue Man Group]  Bad news, Michael, I am afraid that I am no longer an understudy for the Blue Man Group. It seems that we have parted ways.
Michael : [reading an official-looking letter]  "Cease and decist... "
Tobias Fünke : Apparently, they dont like competition.
[shows a magazine ad with Tobias that says "Want a Blue Man For Less Green?"] 
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Tobias Fünke : Somebody is a Rude Gus.

Tobias Fünke : Somebody is a rude Gus.

Tobias Fünke : I can picture the look on Lindsay's face right now. "Where's Tobias?". Oh, he's just on a weekend getaway with Michael Bluth and they're dipping each other in... hey, you didn't get any body chocolate.
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Tobias Fünke : [Tobias is working as a waiter]  I need to go take down the buffet and set up the leather pony.
Michael Bluth : What's the leather pony?
Tobias Fünke : I don't know, we don't have that at lunch.
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Tobias Fünke : If this scene I recreate, perhaps I can resnare my mate...
Narrator : Why wouldn't she take him back?
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