Narrator : Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own words, to see what Michael was referring to...
Tobias Fünke : [on tape]  ... even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up.
Tobias Fünke : Nothing wrong with that.
Tobias Fünke : [on tape]  Oh, I've been in the film business for a while, but I just can't seem to get one in the can.
Tobias Fünke : It's out of context.
Tobias Fünke : [on tape]  I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks.
Narrator : ...and he realized there is something distinct about the way he speaks.
Tobias Fünke : Tobias, you blowhard.
[chuckles] 
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Rita : And they think the stupidest things are funny.
Michael Bluth : Yeah, that's a cultural problem is what it is. You know, your average American male is in a perpetual state of adolescence, you know, arrested development.
Narrator : Hey. That's the name of the show.
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Michael : You know, GOB, you might want to start acting like the President. You're beginning to alienate some of the employees.
Gob : Yeah, like the CEO has to worry about alienating the employees.
Narrator : In fact, GOB *had* started to alienate some of the employees.
Gob : [in the break room]  The worst that could happen is that I could spill coffee all over this $3,000 suit. Come on.
[in the elevator] 
Gob : Yeah, the guy wearing the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. Come on.
[in the bathroom] 
Gob : Yeah, like I'm going to take a whiz through this $5,000 suit. Come on.
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Narrator : In an effort to "hip" up his act, Gob had briefly introduced a puppet.
[Gob is acting as a black puppet named Franklin in front of the family] 
Gob : [as Franklin]  Can I tell you something, my man?
Gob : [as himself]  Sure, Franklin.
Gob : [as Franklin]  You are one cool
[bleep] 
Gob : . Speaking of mothers, let me give that oatmeal some brown sugar.
[the puppet 'kisses' Lucille] 
George Sr. : Get off my wife, you bastard.
[strangles Franklin] 
Gob : [as Franklin]  What's the matter with you?
Gob : [in the present]  Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.
Michael : Gob, weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
Gob : He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.
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[the Bluths have hired Andy Griffith to sit in on George Sr's hearing] 
Lindsay Funke : Bad news. Andy Griffith turned us down. He didn't like his trailer.
[the camera pans over to reveal the log cabin truck] 
Lindsay Funke : He thought we were making fun of him.
Narrator : They were not making fun of Andy Griffith. This cannot be stressed enough.
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George Sr. : What is this is they have on me? You keep talking about a fact. You keep saying "I know for a fact." What fact?
Cindi Lightballoon : Faith. I have faith my prayers will free you.
George Sr. : Faith is not a fact.
Cindi Lightballoon : Oh, yes it is. You said so yourself in Caged Wisdom.
Narrator : George, Sr. had said faith is a fact. Unfortunately, it was in the Caged Wisdom blooper bonus footage.
George Sr. : Faith is a fact. No, faith is a facet. I almost said faith is a fact.
George Sr. : [in the present]  I am going to trial because you don't understand what a blooper reel is?
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Narrator : [Tobias is covered in blue paint and is walking at dusk]  Tobias went to a tryout for the Blue Man Group hoping to be seen.
[Tobias is run over by Barry] 
Narrator : Unfortunately, it was dusk, and he wasn't seen.
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[after watching Rita walk across the pool] 
Michael : Gob, was that your trick?
Gob : No, Michael, that's not my trick.
Narrator : On the next Arrested Development:
Gob : [shouts]  It's my illusion.
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Narrator : Gob was recently hired by the Bluth Company's rival, Sitwell Enterprises. And although he started off well...
Gob : 52% of the country is single. That's a market that's been dominated by apartment rentals. Let's take some of that market. I call it "Single City."
Narrator : ...his ideas failed to evolve.
Gob : It's, like, "Hey, you want to go down to the whirlpool?" "Yeah, I don't have a husband." I call it "Swing City."
Stan Sitwell : Let's get into some new areas, if you don't mind.
Narrator : But Gob continued to fine-tune his first one.
Gob : How do we filter out the teases? We don't let them in.
Gob : This goes for the guys, too. Because sometimes the guys are tapped out. But check your lease, man. Because you're living in
[bleep] 
Gob : City.
Stan Sitwell : You're fired.
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Narrator : While on the set of Wrench, Tobias had snuck into the costume closet and disguised himself as an English nanny in an attempt to see his daughter and prove to his wife he had what it took to become a successful actor. It was the exact same plot as Mrs. Doubtfire...
Tobias Fünke : [after Lindsay answers the door]  Why, hellooo. My name is Mrs. Phlyddia Featherbottom, the agency sent me over.
Lindsay Funke : Uh... I didn't any agency.
Tobias Fünke : But I can cook and clean and even take care of the little ones. In fact, if it comes in handy... I can sing a song or two...
Narrator : And maybe a little Mary Poppins to throw in the mix...
Tobias Fünke : A squirt of frosting down the throat helps to take your medication / In the most delicious way...
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Narrator : For the first time, Lucille prays...
Lucille : [Praying]  Take something else from us. Do whatever you have to to keep my boy from going to war.
Narrator : And Buster is on his way when he decides to pursue a long-delayed rite of age...
[Buster swims in the ocean] 
Person : Loose seal. Watch out for loose seal.
Buster : [Thinking he means Lucille]  I don't care about Lucille. She lies.
Narrator : ...and then a seal bites off his hand.
Lucille : Amen.
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Carl Weathers : [about Burger King]  I'm going to go get a drink refill. You know you can get unlimited refills on any drink you want... and it's free?
Tobias Fünke : It's a wonderful restaurant.
Narrator : It sure is.
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Michael : [at Gob's magic show at the Gothic Castle]  Where's Tobias?
Narrator : [voiceover]  Tobias had intended to come to the magic show, but had a slight miscommunication with his cab driver.
Tobias Fünke : [Tobias is wearing a leather outfit he bought to impress Maebe]  I would like to go to the Gothic Castle.
Cab Driver : Gothic asshole?
Tobias Fünke : Yes.
[at the wrong Gothic Castle, Tobias sees two people walking out] 
Tobias Fünke : Boy, I am glad I didn't go with that outfit.
[to the bouncer] 
Tobias Fünke : I am here to see the magic.
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Michael : My mom is very stressed out, and she needs something I can't give her, um... maybe a little "afternoon delight".
Narrator : Oscar thought that Michael was referring to a particular brand of cannabis named Afternoon Deelite, a strain famous for slowing behavior.
Oscar : Well sure, my question is, which way do I try to get it in her?
Michael : I don't need any details.
Oscar : Maybe I'll put it in her brownie
Michael : Hey.
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Michael Bluth : Did that oven vent hit you? Your foot is bleeding.
Lindsay Funke : [obviously under the influence]  Oh, my God. My foot is bleeding.
Narrator : Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities.
Michael Bluth : Don't forget. We're going to need you for the softball team tomorrow.
Lindsay Funke : Of course. Why do you think I'm taking Teamocil?
Michael Bluth : To curb your sex drive.
Lindsay Funke : Oh, yeah. What team are you talking about?
Narrator : It may also cause short-term memory loss.
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[opening credits] 
Narrator : Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It's Arrested Development.
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Narrator : George Michael did not just get to second base with Maeby, he dove in head first. Like Pete Rose.
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Tobias Fünke : So fill each one of these bags with some glitter, my photo resume, some candy, and a note.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke : [reading one of the notes]  "I know where you live, ha, ha." Casting directors hate this.
Narrator : They really do.
Casting Director : [shows a casting director's office]  The glitteratti has struck again.
[reading the resume] 
Casting Director : Never hire Tobias Funke.
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Buster : My Army training tells me... that this is going to be a hot mission.
Michael : What? A hot mission?
Buster : Yes. I create a diversion, and you grab George Michael and go. We need a name. Maybe "Operation Hot Mother".
Michael : No, le-let's try to top that.
Narrator : They never did, and later, "Operation Hot Mother" was underway.
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George Michael Bluth : [George Michael is in love with his ethics teacher]  I don't want to let down Miss Baerly. She's nice, you know?
Lindsay Funke : She's interesting... and pretty?
George Michael Bluth : Well, I don't know why I'm telling you this. I guess there's just some things you can't always say to your dad.
Lindsay Funke : Ah. sounds like you'd like her to be more than just your teacher.
Narrator : Lindsay believed that George Michael wanted to fix up his father so he could fill the role of his mother.
Lindsay Funke : There's nothing wrong with that. Although... I must say I'm a little hurt that you haven't considered me.
George Michael Bluth : You're my aunt.
Lindsay Funke : That doesn't matter. Aunts can fill that role. Teachers can fill that role. And, someday, you're going to find the right woman to fill that role. But until then... I'll be right across the hall.
Narrator : Lindsay had never been more proud of anything she had said in her entire life.
George Michael Bluth : Yikes.
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Lindsay Funke : Hey, I could've sworn I just saw Dad... Or not. I think hallucinations are a side effect of Teamocil.
Narrator : They aren't.
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Narrator : After being arrested, George Sr. found a loophole in the Mexican judicial system...
George Sr. : [holds up wad of cash]  I have...
[clears throat] 
George Sr. : ... I have money
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Narrator : Gob had just blown up a car.
Gob : [with Lucille 2]  Next thing I know, I'm running for my life. And all I could think was if something were to ever happen to me, how sad I'd be, you know?
Lucille Austero : What you did to me at lunch today... You were ashamed to be with me.
Gob : No. I was ashamed to be seen with you. I like being with you.
Lucille Austero : I'm sorry, but you have no courage.
Gob : How can you say that? Shh. Thought I heard my mom.
[whispers] 
Gob : How can you say that?
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Narrator : Michael was having brunch with Sally Sitwell at a restaurant called Skip Church's Bistro. In addition to brunch, the restaurant was known for an item on the menu called the "Skip's Scramble", an omelet that contained everything on the menu. Do not order the Skip's Scramble.
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George Michael Bluth : I came to talk to you about the softball game. We need some girls on the team this year.
Michael Bluth : It's a league requirement.
Narrator : One that was difficult to keep, given GOB's behavior in the third inning of last year's game.
[shows GOB lying on top of a woman] 
Narrator : And in the fifth.
[shows GOB following one of the female players] 
Narrator : Oh, and before the game.
[shows GOB pouring water over the female players] 
Michael Bluth : We lost our entire outfield and a couple of court cases.
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Narrator : So the speech was disturbing, the food was inedible, and the gift bags pretty frightening. And when GOB found out that he wasnt going to get any tips, the service got worse. Oh and that old racist woman choked on Buster's thumb. All in all it was one of the Bluth's better parties.
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Tobias Fünke : If this were a Lifetime Moment of Truth movie, this would be our act break.
Narrator : But it wasn't.
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Narrator : And back at the penthouse, Lucille was praying for the second time in her life.
Lucille : Lord, let Buster forget everything. And if you need to take another hand to make that happen, please make it G.O.B.'s.
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Narrator : What Dave Attell was trying to portray was the fact that Tobias was never able to be completely naked, but it was lost on the audience due to the narrator's shoddy delivery.
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Michael : You know, I'm in pretty good shape, Buster. You could be eating my dust all day.
Narrator : Buster was starting to give as good as he received.
Buster : Yeah, and you could be eating
[bleep] 
Buster : that's gonna
[bleep] 
Buster : .
Michael : Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that.
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Mae 'Maebe' Funke : Do you that French film we snuck into? Dangerous Cousins?
George Michael Bluth : No, actually, I dont it.
Narrator : In fact, George Michael knew the movie very well. He currently had a copy of the DVD hidden in his sock drawer.
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Narrator : Last year, Tobias produced a video tape. But its brief success was due to its misleading name.
[shows "Families with Low Self Esteem" next to "Girls With Low Self Esteem"] 
Narrator : Once this flaw was discovered, all but ten of the tapes were returned.
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Tobias Fünke : I want my family back. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want to reunite the band.
Michael : Oh, no.
Narrator : Oh, no was right. In the mid '90s, Tobias formed a folk music band with Lindsay and Maebe which he called Dr. Funke's 100 Percent Natural Good Time Family Band Solution. The group was underwritten by the Natural Food Life Company, a division of Chem-Grow, an Allen Crayne acqusition, which was part of the Squimm Group. Their motto was simple: We keep you alive.
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Tobias Fünke : Good news, everyone. I bought the Queen Mary.
Gob : Really? I was just thinking of getting a yacht.
Tobias Fünke : Well, I was dancing with the owner and he was looking to sell... Also, he really, really did look like a woman... But can you believe it? The only reason he's selling it is because, supposedly, it's in a bad neighborhood?
Lindsay Funke : You idiot. I was going to use the stock money to get us into the country club.
Michael Bluth : What?
Lindsay Funke : ...It's in such a nice neighborhood.
Michael Bluth : I don't believe this. Didn't any of you read that memo?
Narrator : None of them had read past the word "unfrozen."
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Narrator : George Michael was getting ready for school when he came across a box of love letters he'd written, but never sent, to his cousin Maeby. One letter, titled "If you weren't my cousin," was particularly incriminating.
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Gob : Believe me, we didn't do any sleeping. I had sex last night.
Narrator : But he really didn't
Gob : Yes, I did.
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Narrator : Gob, getting the feeling he could not return a completely frozen dead dove to a pet store and get the full refund the felt he was entitled to, decided to him.
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Barry Zuckerkorn : Those are the pictures?
Wayne Jarvis : They're all over the news.
Barry Zuckerkorn : [scrutinizes]  Those are balls.
Wayne Jarvis : What?
Narrator : Barry was right. Tobias had inadvertently photographed himself in the bathtub while trying to figure out his new cell phone.
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Narrator : Tobias was a never nude, which is exactly what it sounds like.

Narrator : [Michael argues with GOB over who should do the ribbon-cutting ceremony]  George Sr. had always done the ribbon-cutting ceremony, even for the Orange County Prison, which he built, and later, ironically, would occupy.
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Narrator : Buster had attempted to flee to Mexico, but instead, he wound up in Santa Ana, California, a town six miles inland from his own. The two cities were so close that they shared a newspaper. Unfortunately, due to the car fumes and high temperatures, Buster could not tell the difference.
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Narrator : Each year, Oscar attempts the four hundred mile walk from Newport Beach to Berkeley, California. In the twelve years that he's attempted this, he's never made it farther than UC Irvine.
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Narrator : [as Tobias prepares himself]  Tobias had recently auditioned for a role as a member of the silent performance trio, the Blue Man Group.
Tobias Fünke : And this is "Kids", from "Bye, Bye, Birdie".
[piano cues up the song] 
Narrator : He had yet to hear back from them.
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Buster : Hey, I just came to tell you that I can't do that wall.
Drill Instructor : There's no time for that. We're shipping out without you. Haven't you heard?
[hands Buster military files] 
Buster : Weapons of Mass Destruction?
Gob : Those bastards.
Drill Instructor : I did not say that.
Gob : Are you going to allow that, Buster? Are you going to allow your children, and your children's children, and any children that I might have out there to live in fear for the rest of their lives?
[advances to the wall] 
Gob : Climb that wall, homo.
Drill Instructor : Go get 'em.
Narrator : [as Buster climbs the wall]  Buster got the encouragement he needed, and just when it seemed there wouldn't be any surprises...
[Gob punches Buster as he jumps to the other side] 
Narrator : ... it did.
Gob : Now, when you do this without getting punched, you'll have more fun.
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Gob : Well, I'm not the president, so I dont deserve a fancy phone.
Tobias Fünke : Well, the Blue Man Group may need me, and I *do* deserve a fancy phone.
Narrator : They didn't.
[Tobias flips his phone across the room] 
Narrator : And he doesn't.
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Narrator : [Rita enters the house, the family freezes]  Michael was concerned that he was caught in a lie about his family. The family was concerned that they were being confronted by a woman they had clubbed, drugged, and left on a bench.
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Michael Bluth : I need you to do something to my mom that I cannot do. Maybe some Afternoon Delight.
Oscar : Ah. Now the question is, how do I get it in her?
Narrator : Oscar thought that Michael was referring to a particular brand of cannibus called "Afternoon Delight". It was known for the ability to slow down reflexes.
Michael Bluth : I don't want any details...
Oscar : Maybe I'll put it in her brownie...
Michael Bluth : Hey.
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Michael : I thought I got rid of GOB, but Dad puts him right back in the business.
Lindsay Funke : You two have always fought. In fact, I think I have a video of that.
Michael : You and half of Orange County.
Narrator : As children, George Sr. would often provoke the boys to fight each other. He thought it would equip them for the challenges of life. He also believed that footage of the boys fighting would be a big hit in the burgeoning home-video market. He soon franchised the concept with such titles as "Boyfights 2", "A Boyfights Cookout", and "Backseat Boyfights: The Trip To Uncle Jack's 70".
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Narrator : On the next Arrested Development, Barry receives a sign from God.
Barry Zuckerkorn : [Seeing a replica of the Ten Commandments on top of his car]  I will obey your will, I will lead a good life.
[Sees a parking ticket on his car] 
Barry Zuckerkorn : Well, to hell with this then.
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George Sr. : [pleading his case to the Mexican police]  Wait a minute, I'm not Oscar, I'm George.
Prison guard : The Cornballer.
George Sr. : Si, si, the cornballer.
[the Mexican guards show George Sr. their scarred arms from using the Cornballer] 
Narrator : George Sr. had been marketing a device called "The Cornballer" in Mexico after the severe burns it caused led to it being banned in the U.S.
[footage of George Sr. strangling Richard Simmons] 
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Tobias Fünke : If this scene I recreate, perhaps I can resnare my mate...
Narrator : Why wouldn't she take him back?
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